:: Dain's blog of eternal stench. ::

:: Saturday, July 06, 2002 ::

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Maybe I listen to this song too much....

The Ataris - Last Song I'll ever write about a girl

Broken heart again today...
The flowers that I gave to you have withered all away.
Just when I opened up my heart
The one you used to love came and ripped it right apart.

Why do I never seem to learn?
That love is wrong and girls are fucking evil.
I guess I'll never figure out
What womankind is all about.

I heard your voice again today
I'm scarred by all the lies that were once promises you'd made.
I lie in bed awake at night
And wonder what went wrong or even more just what went right.

Why do I never seem to learn?
That love is wrong and girls are fucking evil.
I guess I'll never figure out
What womankind is all about.

---

I'm personally not in a good mood right now. And I just don't want to talk about it. Let's just say I'm sick and fucking tired of being treated like I don't fucking matter. Treated like I don't have fucking feelings. I hate you all.
:: Dain 3:21 PM [+] ::
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What's Your Love Style?


This is just getting freaktacular. I keep getting the same quiz answers as Heather. It's not like it's a bad thing or anything, it's just weird.





Which Golden Girl Are You?

YES! I AM BEA ARTHUR!
:: Dain 4:59 AM [+] ::
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Itamerarete... Korosarete... Nakifuse... ...Shine...

I don't know why, but I'm in a sunset-watching mood today. Generally, watching the sunset cheers me up.

We'll see what it does to me now... May just be completely indifferent towards it. Who knows?

I also wish it would rain...

I shall also mention that I am in a vengeful mood today... don't know why though... it just sorta happened. I can practically feel the evil coursing through me. And it's kinda fun.
:: Dain 6:46 PM [+] ::
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Twelve
angels descended from Heaven, each
putting a piece of themselves into those
who would follow them....
Which Angel rests inside you?
Challenge their trial to
find out.

EEEEEEEEE!! :D GACKT-SAMA! I'm so giddy and stuff :D



What's Your Inner Demon?
this quiz was made by Melissa
:: Dain 10:34 PM [+] ::
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I've suddenly had this huge urge to get all introspective and psycho-analyzey... It was basically inspired by a conversation Tegan and I had a couple days ago... where I kept listing things that I did in excess.. and she asked me if I was one of those guys who wasn't happy unless he was dating... well.. read on.

So I'm going to list all my problems, and what I believe to be the cause for them. This has now transmigrated to my Blog.

I care too much about other people and I don't give a shit about myself.
I believe the reason for this is that I don't think very highly of myself. Basically, I hate myself, and I don't care what the fuck happens to me. If this were the only thing, I would've killed myself a few days ago. But because I care about other people too much, I couldn't. I know Tegan would have ended up blaming herself... and I know it would have hurt her. So I didn't.

I'm too emotional.
Ah yes. My emotional problems. Basically, I believe this stems from the subject I will be bringing up next, my complete and utter lack of ability to express my emotions in public. So when I do get emotional... it's way too fucking emotional.

I'm unable to express emotions in public.
Yippee. Seriously, this is a big problem for me, and I hate it. I blame this for why I can't keep a girlfriend. But anyway, the reason for this is the large amount of pain I've had over the course of my life. LARGE amount of pain. As such, I refused to express my emotions to avoid getting hurt any more than I already was. And now that I want to get over that, I can't... because every time I get close to expressing my emotions, I get hurt again. Yay. People sure are helpful!.....

I fall in love too fast/easily
I don't really know if this is a problem or not, but I'm addressing it. This question really arose from Tegan asking me if I was one of those guys who wasn't happy unless he was dating. That's partly true. I'm one of those guys who isn't happy unless he's in love. The whole reason is that my entire life, I've been completely unloved. My father would beat me, and my mother would overcompensate in an attempt to make up for the beatings. Not once did I ever feel loved by either of them. Not Once. I just want to fall in love with someone and have them fall in love with me, despite all my quirks. WHY THE FUCK CAN'T THAT EVER HAPPEN?

I'm too lazy
Ah yes, my apathy. You know what this comes from? Never being accepted. Having everything I've ever done knocked down and never amounting to anything. Having my self esteem stomped on every time I try to do something right. Getting broken up with and having the ex then go out with one of my friends. All this shit just culminated into "Ok, that's it. I don't fucking care anymore. If everything I do gets me hurt, then I just won't fucking do anything. I'll just stop caring about my life and body entirely."

Well, there ya have it. My reasons for being what I am. Yippeee. I'm not as depressed as I was when I originally wrote this, so I'm assuming that's a good thing.
:: Dain 11:59 PM [+] ::
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Hooo boy. Go Boredom!

Aaaaaaaanyway... At the moment, I just really want to talk to Tegan in person. Just get closure on the whole mess that's happened. Just ask a couple questions and be done with it. Otherwise I'm going to be pining away for 6 months >_> <_<

So yeah and stuff... Me = needs to talketh to her.

*adds this to the bottom*






What type of Bishounen are you? Find out at artificial-soul.net by Rin.






Oh the sentimental side of life! You are the fourth finger, the ring finger as it is sometimes known as. You value emotions and the small sentimentalities of life. Especially dreams of that you-know-who...

Which finger are you?
Take the quiz to find out.
:: Dain 4:55 AM [+] ::
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I got bored, so I did this:

HOT or NOT Official Rating 9.4 based on 11 votes Check out my picture! My raw votes: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 How HOT are you? - www.hotornot.com

XD
:: Dain 1:15 AM [+] ::
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I actually wrote a song last night. It's been so damn long since I've written ANYTHING.... but this just sorta.. came out.

Colorblind

I sit here and think
That I can't stop thinking
Thinking about when I was with you.

I'm lying awake
I can't stop thinking
Everything seems like it's turned a dark shade of gray

And everything turned to black
I just want it all back
The colors empty, and the world has faded
I just want a little light

I look at the world
It seems so diff'rent
Different the way it shouldn't be

I look to the stars
For some hope or reason
Covered in clouds, it's all just a dark shade of gray

And everything turned to black
I just want it all back
The colors empty, an the world has faded
I just want a little light

I sit here and think,
"Don't turn to drinking.
I'd be no better if I did."

I want some relief
From the pain I've been feeling.
My senses cloud, the pain is that dark shade of gray

And everything turned to black
I just want it all back
The colors empty, and the world has faded
I just want a little light.

©2002, Dain Kinkaide, Anubile Music.
:: Dain 5:19 PM [+] ::
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I listened to music and didn't sleep, and somehow, that cheered me up. Oh well. I'm in a good mood suddenly.

Although, I should mention I feel horrible. Really really horrible. Stupid lack of sleep causing sickness in stomach :/
:: Dain 10:39 AM [+] ::
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... God, I need to get out of the house... Staying isolated in here's causing me to go fucking crazy... I'm slowly going claustrophobic.. and my rage just keeps fucking building...

And I'm out of cigarettes, so that doesn't help either. We're also out of milk, so I can't have coffee... which ALSO doesn't help... God I'm a wreck...

... Endless pain with small moments of happiness ... my life. I'm going to have to deal with it. Because that's never going to fucking change.

.. and Tegan, this insanity I'm going through right now isn't your fault. You were just the trigger action that set off a chain reaction that's been building up for almost 20 years now. A life of almost 20 years worth of shit and pain. Every single kind of pain imaginable. Emotionally, Physically, Mentally, Verbally; I've been abused all those ways. For at least 15 years. Then the physical abuse stopped, and it was just the emotional, mental, and verbal abuse. for another 2 years. Which is when I got kicked out of school and the mental and verbal abuse was gone. I was left with nothing but emotional abuse. People hurting my emotions... my biggest weakness.

Like I said. It's just endless pain, with small moments of happiness. Tegan, you were one of those small moments of happiness. Then, like all the great happinesses I've had, it all fell apart and left me with nothing but pain again. It's a fucking never-ending cycle. And I want to get off.
:: Dain 6:07 AM [+] ::
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... It doesn't look like I'll be sleeping tonight... I just can't stop crying.

Do any of you people that read this know what it's like to have this one hope of your life finally being happy again, and then having it crushed without ANY fucking consideration towards you?

The world is full of selfish people. People who think about themselves before they think of others. I figured Tegan would at least let me down easily... tell me person to person that I had no chance of ever going out with her again. But no. Instead she gets herself a boyfriend, then tells me about that over the fucking internet.

Thanks for considering me. Really. I appreciate it.

While it's great that she's solved some problems of her own, she's created whole new fucking problems for me. Around 7pm today, I just... snapped. I couldn't fucking take all the pain anymore and just broke down crying... I'm perpetually hurt. I might as well just nail myself to a fucking wall and let people throw fucking rocks at me. It'll make it more entertaining for them. And a hell of a lot fucking easier.

I have so many fucking doubts going through my head right now.. but I don't want to say them because they'd be even more hurtful than the things I've already put in here... And I already know I've gone over the edge... This just.. isn't.. me... I can't stop my right arm from fucking twitching... Maybe I need sleep.. maybe I need ice cream... maybe I need to just go out and FUCKING KILL PEOPLE.. I don't know... I sure as hell hope it's not the last one... I'm not a violent person... only towards myself.......

(And I'm just going to reiterate this so it's near the top:

Apparently she's feeling remorse for hurting me again... she knew I still wanted to go out with her. I told her I did. We were walking down to Mac's, and one of the street lights turned off as we were walking, to which I said "The street lights hate me." (they always turn off when I walk past them... 2 of them on Park street.. always turn off).. she responded "No, they like you. They're trying to create a romantic mood. They think you're still trying to convince me to go out with you." to which I responded.. "I am still trying..."

Whether or not that registered in her mind, she didn't say anything about it after that...

So of course I'm hurt. She knew I still wanted to go out with her and therefore obviously still had feelings for her... Was it not enough that she broke my heart, but she had to crush the single ray of hope that I had for mending said broken heart as well? )
:: Dain 1:04 AM [+] ::
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